I feel like sleeping and never waking up again.
Are there moments in your life when you feel totally drained of any energy, courage and inspiration? Do you on some days feel like sleeping and then sleeping forever? Today might just be a watershed day for me. Since morning i’ve been feeling completely helpless. My life looks purposeless and the worst part is i just can’t seem to be able to move it into the direction i want it to move.
I study in Aurangabad which is a good thousand miles away from my hometown Ambala. The bad elements of this place have overpowered me and reduced me to an emotion of helplessness. In my childhood i had always fantasised about college-life. But now that i’m here, i feel cheated by fate. I feel as if somebody has robbed me of my right to have fun; not only have fun but to do anything that i want to do.
In my college there are people who have destroyed others’ dreams and aspirations to the point of making them want to murder them.
– On some days i feel like standing up boldly to face these people. I want to be courageous in life. I don’t want to do ANY act of cowardice because i’ll be repenting it all my life. I want to live by my rules. So what if tomorrow somebody will come and break my jaw? I’ll stand up to them and feel proud of myself all my life.
– Then on some days i feel like just buckling under their pressure and do what they want me to do. Like today, i want to just go to sleep and never wake up because reality is so repulsive. I want to bend in the storm, rather than stand turgidly and break. All i want is to go home. My parents have spent an obscene amount of money on me. This doesn’t help because it’s my duty to repay them. So i can’t afford to show any courage and perish in the process.
But what is most irksome for me is that – i can’t seem to be able to decide from the above two options. I try to defer making this choice for as long as possible. But sometimes, like now, i have to choose.
I wish there was somebody in whose arms i could just curl up and forget about making choices. I want to be loved to the point that no one else has the capacity to shatter my peace.
To the villians here, you win. To fate, thanks for being so cruel. To life, i’m completely defeated.
To everybody, i give up.
Feizerl said,
February 24, 2010 at 1:00 am
cheer up. we all feel like that, at times, but one just has to get over it. not just because the results of struggles are sometimes worth everything, but because it’s just too miserable without any struggle. struggles add colour to our lives. a perfect life is boring.
sandeepinlife said,
March 1, 2010 at 4:03 pm
cheer up dude …
I never gave any importance to the first few pages in our NCERT books, but once i read the Gandhi’s Talisman ..It is so so powerful. Although, there are times, when i do not look upon the “lowest” of men but the highest of them to draw courage and inspiration to fight against the odds, but still the Talisman stands!
and on other note (do not know how relevant it is in this context), do not study as if you have to repay your parents debt. Empty you back pack and then think (watch Up in the Air starring George Clooney to get the meaning of last line
{yay! you have one more movie to watch})
Ank said,
March 5, 2010 at 2:51 pm
I think at the end of *any* bad and sad phase, i always end up feeling stupid and wonder what exactly made me sad.
Kalyani : i agree 100percent that a perfect life is a big no-no. But sometimes the hurdles just over-whelm me, it looks like there’s total darkness after the current blockade. It takes a shift in perspective to look beyond it. And that’s what has helped me this time. Sab clear hai ab…
Sandeep: dude, you’ve touched a raw nerve there… i wrote the Parent’s money waali line just in the flow and thought nobody would notice it. well, you did. though, yes, it’s a very important aspect of my life. No matter how hard i try to forget this thing, this thought lingers at the back of my mind nevertheless…
I myself believe that one should study just for the love of it. But this thing nags me. I’m sure that my parentswould never expect monetary return from me, but won’t it be unfair that i study and then take up a non-paying job, no matter how much i love it? I hope i find a way which is good for me AS WELL AS pays well!
Someone said,
March 18, 2010 at 10:19 am
my life gets worse and worse everyday yet i keep fighting
im in college too. theres no such thing as giving up to me. life sucks so u make the most of what u got
u arent alone… there are so many of us out there including you and myself thats suffering in life
Ank said,
March 18, 2010 at 2:21 pm
someone: i have managed to steer clear out of the mess that my life was few days ago. I’m feeling positive and good about life.
The bad elements just dont go away…. u have to ignore them OR destroy them.
My best wishes with you buddy.
Sarah said,
October 4, 2011 at 8:13 am
This was written quite sometime ago and you know what, i feel exactly like that right now. It was long weekend .. and all i did was just be in my little room. I’ve come to a point where i have googled easiest ways to commit suicide which was highly unhelpful. but i don’t know why it doesnt feel the way it was supposed. Uni life was supposed to be it!! i’m really unhappy. and if i try to tell my friends how i feel … they simply cant comprehend because i’ve always been the happy one. and to some point i dont know how to express myself anymore. all this is not me … but its me!! i really dont know what to do. so tell me how you got past this feeling .. because where i stand .. i dont know how to fix this. and it bothers me a great deal.