Mouthpiece

There are times, not too often but there nevertheless, when i feel helpless. All the confidence that my genes and environment have squeezed into me seems fake and just namesake. During these moments, i start analysing my life objectively. And, no need to mention that i never have decided if it’s meaningful to exist at all.

Paradoxically it’s nothing big and long lasting that triggers my taking out a ‘negative’ of otherwise technicolored life. Out of these trivial happenings, i draw conclusions and generalisation about my attitude and life. I agree that it’s no use demoralising myself over these things… but i can’t help it when 1. i feel politically overpowered 2. emotionally trampled upon by people i rely upon emotionally 3. sombering down my aggression in order to respect my friendship with someone. I can’t help it – everybody’s head is pre-programmed for harboring greed, want of love and loyality; and, mutiny against injustice. There’s a world of difference between i-am-non violent and i-am-weak, but not so much difference between i-am-courageous and i-want-to-be-courageous.

Everybody wants his existence to be accounted for, his presence greetedand absence felt. Perhaps what i need to understand is that there’s not enough space in this world to accomodate everybody’s sphere of desires, which are always expanding. Perhaps what i need to learn is to focus on the basic reasons of my being where i am, and ignore everything that can be ignored. Or, yes, perhaps i need to cherish the better moments.